I wasn't really sure how the miscarriage would affect this pregnancy... if at all.. and its slowly starting too. It wasn't at first.. I was completely fine with things until I started to remember.
It all started with the acceptance and confirmation of this pregnancy. I called my doctor's office to schedule my first pre-natal visit and it started to feel like deja-vu to me. Especially since the only place I had the number to call was from an old email reply I got from them reguarding my 2nd pregnancy (the miscarriage one). Then I created this blog site and though it was lots of fun for me that also reminded me of "Angel" and when I did one for them.
I try not to let it affect me but I have been thinking about it alot and my anxiety of losing this baby has been increasing. I don't think I will feel comfortable until I hit the 8 week mark (the same time I lost the previous baby) and I will feel even better at 10 when the chances of me losing it drastically decreases. But still... its eating me inside.
Today I started to feel alittle crampy and my cervix was slightly hurting. Nothing like when I had my miscarriage but the pain did bring back memories. I was happily watching the Superbowl at home with Adrian and Mia on the couch when it started up. Instantly my mood changed and I got quiet. Then scared. My heart started to race... am I going to lose this one too I thought. The pain was very minimal but there. I was so paranoid and didn't relax until it finally went away.
Yes I am paranoid. I hate the fact that I can't relax because I am so scared of losing this baby. I am even hesitant to tell anyone about the pregnancy.. even friends and family. I have yet to tell anyone. I dunno... hopefully I will get over this.
I hate that my miscarriage is clouding my happiness with this pregnancy and preventing me from freely "bonding" with my new baby in my tummy. =(
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