After all the chaos and turmoil I have endured these past couple of months.. the thoughts of another baby has been killed. However, over the past week I feel the fever slowly coming back to me.
I previously thought I was completely over the whole miscarriage, but now that my sister in law Lauren is about to give birth all these awful feelings have started flooding my mind again and I don't know how to stop it. The feelings of missing out, of missing my lost baby of feeling completely depressed. Even our neighbor who has a little girl around Mia's age is pregnant again. That set me off!
So finally I just sat back and reflected... am I really ready and wanting another baby now? am I moved on enough from the miscarriage? Is this why I am feeling the fever and disappointment so bad? I have met some of the goals I set in place before I get pregnant again but not all.. the most important one.. weight.... I still haven't done yet. Its a work in progress.
So whats the answer? its YES! I think I am really ready, though Dec is too soon, due to my weight. I have finally given it a date.. Jan for sure! I want my Oct. baby and if i get pregnant in Jan I might be able to have a scheduled C-Section for 10/10/10 how cute is that?!?! Well anyways my hopes have been lifted.. I do feel alittle better now.
After taking a month off from working out and eating right I was dreading going back on the scale. I was afraid I had gained all I had worked so hard to lose prior to the surgery and then some. I felt for sure with the newly added weight it would set us back even longer before trying for a baby again and like Dec. I could kiss Jan goodbye too. I was really down about this. I knew I had to have hit 190+ but when I finally weighed myself this morning it was only 183!!!!!!!!!!! YAY!!! thats exactly what I was pre-surgery!! I am so excited! Jan. might just be the time.. I just might make my weight goal! I am excited about that.
So now I am feeling better. Not so bitter at all the pregnant women out there and I think I can finally enjoy my baby niece being born without feeling any negative feelings about my own miscarriage. Thats HUGE for me, I always felt guilty because of it. I am ready I am ready to start up again and work towards January!!!
